see right, when u reach a certain age, it helps to know that you are in control of things in your life. maybe not all, but the essential ones. now, imagine if u were me.. im 23, (i'll b referring to ppl my age from now on) most of my friends have a steady job and they earn a decent income. some are still studying, either doing a postgrad / going for a 2nd degree. and me, i've yet to graduate. alrite.. this i still can accept. but the possibility of me failing a subj isnt nil u know..

now, talk about a significant other.. i don't have one. i used to, and in a way i felt safe bcoz at least i 'thought' i didn't have to worry bout not getting married and yada yada .. and yes, apparently i thought worng. close freinds have told me that im being silly coz bla bla bla and that im still young and im getting worked up over nonsense.. ok i know, it's just that it happened recently. so yea, i cnt help but feel this way.. i didnt ask for it.

next, my friends.. i know i have them here.. but i consider them relatively new as oppose to the one;s back home. i only confide in 2ppl here and i sure cant expect them to drop everything and run to me whnever i need a hug. the last time i was back home i had him to always be there to comfort me and encourage me and support me. now he's not there anymore.. i do wonder what wil happen when i go back for the summer this time around.

and i feel like i only have my immediate family.. which aint much altho i'm truly grateful for them. you know how you're not very close to your extended fly anymore coz you've all grown up and haveyour own things to do... well, same goes for me.

but during my mum's bday, which so happened to also be cny. i rang her to wish her and the WHOLE family was having din at this chinese restaurant where they booked a room and had karaoke. all of them took turns to talk to me, they told me how much they missed me altho we hardly see each other they wish that i was there with them. and some even said tht they loved me , which is very shocking seeing how it never happened b4. and tht made me cry, bczu for the first time i truly understood what 'blood is thicker than water' meant. i felt like there are ppl who still cared for me and about my well-being. even if i have nothing left , they'd still be there. i suspect tho, my mum spilled the beans on me being extremely single. hahah.

and im so grateful tht my dad is financially secured. i would feel even worst if i was here and he had to make ends meet just to pay for my tuition fee and if i have to survive by working part-time.

i hope u get a glimpse of what im saying. think tsunami.. the wave comes and sweeps your entire life out to sea. and ur not young anymore and hav nothing to work with. my so-called quater life crisis seems so trivial by comparison. i cannot even begin to step in their shoes. but forgive me for being a drama-mama.

but last night, i needed to spent my birthday with God, i asked Him why? why was i dreading this? and He revealed some things to me which made me realise that my 'career', 'relationship', 'friends' and 'family' are variables whether I like it or not but I was reassured that He is THE constant; yesterday, today and tmorrow...

I'm not trying to justify anything by explaining the above. I just hope that some of you would at least now understand why i felt the way I did. and no, "these things DO NOT happen" with me coz it really doesnt say much about one's character. I do admit I was once like that but I promised myself awhile back that I will not disappoint my friends anymore if I can help it. I'm truly sorry for my awful behaviour and on top of that for cancelling dinner. I'm so sorry tht u guys wasted your time cooking and baking for me. I'm so so thankful that God brought such amazing ppl into my life. and in this short time you have accepted me into your lives. the reason i kept holding on to what i have back home is bcoz it helped to know that i was standing on sth solid, which really hindered me from seeing what i have in front of me. I'm sorry, and hope that you will forgive me.

and now for my thank you speech..

Firstly, I wanna thank God, for all that He has given me and taken from me, still I will bless Your name bcuz only You truly know what's best for me, despite my lame a** attempts to one-up You. And Thank You for giving me a home away form home; new 'family', new frens, new opportunities and new adventures. and for my super duper close dudettes back home in msia. Esp also for my ENTIRE family You've blessed me with altho at times a lil dysfunctional but loves me nonetheless despite my failures.

john Lamb
thank you for your wisdom
and the entertainig E-card =)

yoong
despite forgetting,
txted me at 12am M'sian time..
still love you

my kai kor, yeekiat
first one to ring me while i was runninnggg for the train.
yea, am finally acknowledging tht ur my God bro ..
for reasons only u know.hah. actually, only for 1 reason ;p
n for nice 'girly??' pressies fr u and michelle.
also for 'looking out' for me =)

alena
i received ur pressie by post jus in time, on the 27th itself.
thank you.. so sweet of you
*muah*

luke
thanx for txting
plus dipak, thnx both of u
for the beanie 'dog' .. i loved it immediately.
wat can i say, i've a soft spot for dogs

my 'mum', quence
for wishing me over the phone

and also my 'cousin', calvin
thanx for caring and for sacrificing Bball

cy for ringing me
and i absolutely LOVE the gift !!
LUUrrrvEee it

chrissy for ringing me at 3:17am to wish me..
didn't disturb my beauty sleep, no worries
it was really nice catching up with you
and thanx for your pressie

yoong who rang me at 5:46 am
haha.. yes, i was sleeping u stupoks =P

and to matt ho,
who sang the first line of the happy bday song

my parents
voice all chirpy at 9:09am..
luv ya

sweet ian who txted right after

followed by brian, happy bday to you too pal

lindy for delivering her wish =)

andrew who rang while i had lunch.
thanx for the lovely conversation

my whacky ext3nded fly:
cousins and aunts and babies too
i love u ppl

kenny
cn't believe u remembered ..
thanx

and jason
thanx for the bday wish..
i look 21 dn't I *winks*

and those i had lunch wit: calvin cy leo huimin lou mattMo minghui
thank you for putting up with my nonsense,
for spending me lunch and getting me a bday cake

my dad,
who txted me this time

ppl over friendster:
viknesh jamie song pc
thank you guys

ling who wished me over the msn
and who was there to listen to me whine
thanx womanzz..

and jian altho half an hour late =)
still ur txt's very much appreciated

dilys
thank you sweets

aunty dina for posting me a card
love you and miss you too..

linda for a hallmark e-card
HAhahaah loved them singing pigs ;p
*muah*

angeliki for the pressie
and the yummylicious dinner

and last but not least, my wonderful cg;
houngnai eejoo kelly alice chris john cy huimin and also fi
proved once agn how I was so wrong to think tht i had few frends who cared for me here at newc. thank you for the lovely piece of art.. it encouraged me plenty..
you've all been such a blessing.

on hindsight, altho i held a lil party dinner celebration thingy for my 22nd bday, I can see that God has blessed me tremendously this year by giving me what He knows is best for m3...
she told me that, "the GOOD can often be the enemy of the BEST that God has in store for you."