No Lord, I Don't Wanna Give You

We were learning about the life of Jesus at CG (cell group) last week, from His birth to His death. At one point, we discussed about the significance of the 3 gifts which the wise men brought to Jesus when He was born. Before we ended, M (one of the leaders) asked us to meditate on Matthew 6:21 and then write 3 things (not confined to objects) which we treasure or value the most.
The first thing that popped into my head was T. Yea... So, I started tearing (automatic re-action, pls don't ask me why), a little. I just sat there and stared out of the window while everyone was scribbling away. I don't know why I didn't write anything down, or maybe I didn't know what to write...
Anyway, M snapped me back to reality when he asked us to fold our paper and give it to HN (cg leader), assuring us that she wouldn't open it. He said it was symbolic in the sense that we were giving it to Jesus. Hence, I quickly wrote down what I treasure most, folded the paper and gave it to HN. However, I hesitated for a split second before handing my 'treasure' to her which, surprised me bcuz in that 'split second', these were my thoughts: -
Giving treasure to Jesus = surrendering.
Uh, surrendering T to Jesus ??
Dowan, dowan.
Surrendering T = bye bye T.
But I gave it to her anyway bcuz I didn't want ppl asking me, "Why?".

Frankly, I'm rather disappointed with myself. In my 'situation'.. my 'condition', I actually believed that I surrendered everything to God, that I let Him handle my problems bcuz I'm too tired. Ahh, but my actions proved otherwise.

2 slaps on the face: -
1. Jesus' love & death didn't even cross my mind ie my priorities ??
2. Cheryl, you're still holding on !! ie God so wants to help, but you're so not letting Him.

So how? So how?
Truth is, I DON'T KNOW HOW.

Read someone's blog last night. Made me understand, saw something very clearly. This person was describing how she prayed and asked Jesus to bless all the important things in her life. But in a year, He took them all away, one by one. A non-C+ would probably think it's madness that we still faithfully believe in this God of ours whom, we claim to love us unconditionally.
And, toHisglory is such a kind soul. She left a comment which was very encouraging altho I haven't got a clue to who she is.

The one thing that I was able to reconcile from both their experiences is that God took away the things which He gave them from the very beginning. The things that shaped them to be who they are today. Be it in the form of money, relationship, career, etc..
But I understand now.
I understand that He blessed me by allowing me to love and be loved by another bcuz He loves me. And I understand that the love of my life was taken away from me bcuz He was not THE love of my life.
Do you know what I mean ?

It is said that our God is a jealous God,
It is said that we shall have no other 'gods' before Him,
And it is said that we shall put Him first in everything.


"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also".

~ Matthew 6:21~

Qn: Where does my heart lie ?











Disclaimer --> many things are easier said than done...