.mono[b]logue.

Ready or Not ?

No, no !! I'm not. I actually thought I was but...
How naive of me. I wasn't for a year, so what made me think that I am now in just alittle over a month?
I'm so thankful cuz everytime I think that I'm ready to face my 'past' , God shows me otherwise, in various ways =)
Though unpleasant...

--> dreams <--
how we do not have control over them;
things that are hidden in our subconscious;
pushed aside cuz we don't want to think, period;
but creeps up on you in your dreams;
yes, those, those that we cannot control.

Imagine waking up in tears ~ shocked

--> paranoia <--
when you see or hear something related to your 'past';
how you cannot help but think of the worst;
and then.. fear, insecurity, paranoia starts rolling in, altogether.
of course cannot control la !!

Imagine seeing a pic and thinking, "Is she in HIS car?" ~ panic attack

--> constant reminders <--
memories.. some worth remembering, some not so;
not bcuz it was 'bad', but it just hurts;
familiar sites, sounds, stories and songs;
and friends, friends who doesn't seem to let you forget;
friends.. you start asking whether they understand the phrase, 'please don't mention...'

Imagine reading, "He wants me to pass you something." in an e-mail ~ eyes NOT waterproof

--> your past <--
and then, your 'past' itself;
the one you so want to forget;
the one you try so hard to let go;
but also...
the one you're so afraid of losing;
the one you wish you didn't 'mess' things up with;
the one you wish things could be simpler;
the one you so so wish could go back to square number 1.

Hence, I conclude with this: I am so not ready ~ oh, the pain, the pain