Daddy Dearest

Was doing the dishes the other day and my mind wondered to a friend of mine, and her relationship with her mum. I recalled some things she mentioned which then led me to think of my dad.
*Sigh* My dad...
I sure pity him.. the things I complain about, the not so nice things that befall on me, whatever it is, I never fail to point it all back at him. I twist and I turn the 'story' and somehow the ending's always the same --> it's all his fault.

For example last year when I was back for C'mas hols, he kept complaining about my expenses here. He made me sit and list down EVERY single penny I spent, from scratch on a piece of paper (I'm so serious). Yup, that's dad for you. I kept telling him that the things I bought were necessities ie for the home and not clothes, etc etc. But he kept right on complaining and really, I wasn't even spending half as much as I am now =p
Anyway, I couldn't take it anymore and I said this, right to his face...
"You were the one who was so keen for me to study in the UK !"
"You knew I didn't mind completing my degree here !"
"You knew that it is not cheap to study there !"
"You knew that I will be spending Sterling Pounds instead of Ringgit Malaysia !"
And as if that wasn't bad enough, I went on to add vinegar to the wound I created...
"You know I'm so miserable there, I don't mind coming back here ! Then at least you won't have to complain about the amount I'm spending !"

You have to understand that his whole life, his dreams were for me and my bro to study abroad. This is the entire purpose of him working day in and day out till the wee hours in the morning. I mean he could work like the normal 9-5 job and just have enough to support his family. But no. He sacrificed so so much. His own desires of having a nice car, nice mobile, nice suits, nice whatever else which all his friends have (mum told me ;p).

Furthermore, he was brought up in a typical chinese family, hence, making him a chinaman. Imagine how he must have felt when I was nicely going on with the, "You, You and You" thingy. If I was him, I'd probably slap my daughter across the face and go like, "Sui lui pao!" HAhahah.. yea man.. and tell her what an ungrateful child she is.
But dad, dad JUST shouted that it was enough! And he JUST shouted for me to stop. Dad has never, never laid a finger on me or my bro. And as far as I can remember, he has only shouted at me twice, this being the second time.

And the infamous 'story' of, "Yea *rolls eyes*, dad made me study law!" Most of you, if not all have heard it before, I'm so sure.. like how I wanted to study something else, something I would enjoy but nooo.. my chinaman father bla, bla, bla...

Ok, enough of that, feeling alittle guilty now =p
Thing is, I know dad's dream is for me to become a lawyer. *Sigh* Anyway, anyway.. I told myself that I would study law, get the degree and give it to him and then tell him that I've done what you wanted and now it's my turn to do what I want.
Yeah.. for real. How horrible right, but this is what motivated me to finish the degree. I've played this scene over and over again in my head, I know exactly what I would say and exactly how dad would react bcuz it ain't an easy thing to do.

Then something changed.. I didn't mind studying law afterall. It was not all sunshine and rainbows but hey, it wasn't as dreadful as I thought it would be either. But I still didn't intend to practice (I think this has seriously got to do with pure rebellion). Somehow the thought of becoming a law lecturer sounded kinda appealing. And surely dad wouldn't mind.. right?? So I'm not a lawyer but at least I'm still doing something 'lawyerly'. WRONG !! Oh, he heard me, he heard me tell him about doing the LLM (Masters in Law) and then go on to lecture in a Uni. But he wasn't LISTENING.. he just said, do your BVC (Bar) first and bla bla bla...
Sure he pissed me off !! C'mon la, I'm an adult and my dad doesn't take me seriously. At one point he actually wanted me to do the BVC AND THEN CLP !! till I had to explain to him that they were the same thing. It's like asking someone to do A'Levels and then STPM ??!?!!
Fine !! I was soo determined to take this route (another sign of pure rebellion). I didn't care about what he thought or wanted anymore. I remember complaining to mum that he should be ever so grateful I'm even considering to sticking with law instead of throwing it all away and study interior designing which, I'm pretty sure he has no recollection of me ever telling him *rolls eyes*.

Plan backfired.. sort of. Was working in a law firm as a student attachment during summer break back in M'sia and I found practising very exciting, interesting and spontaneous. Each day was a new day, no boring routines bcuz you'll never know how your case has developed overnight. The pressure, the stress, the whole package was like one big adrenaline rush. But like dad, I'm stubborn person and kept right on telling others and myself, "I don't wanna practice, I wanna lecture."

Dad and I cannot carry a decent conversation for more than 3 mins. I'll eventually become agitated with something he had said or irritated bcuz it makes no sense whatsoever. And mum is forever telling me to just nod my head in agreement whether got sense or not. But how !?!?! I can't la !! It's as if somehow, somewhere in our conversation I have to find fault with him. There always has to be something I'm not ok with. I myself do not know when this started.. my 'rebellious nature' towards dad. Of course I didn't rebel in ways which were bad 'bad' bcuz I was afraid of him and am still very much so.

So anyway back to where I begun, I asked myself why, why did I always feel the need to 'purposely' go against dad? I don't know, think it's just human nature.. to do the things we are specifically told not to (guess who started it ;p). As my thoughts went deeper to dad and the 'thingy' we have btwn us...

REVELATION !!

Ultimately, the person I want to purposely 'hurt' the most is the very person I want to please the most. There's nothing, nothing in this world that would make me happier than to see dad smile. Smile bcuz he's happy and proud and pleased and satisfied that all his hardwork and sacrifices were not done in vain and that every single drop of sweat his body produced was worth it. Therefore, I have decided to be obedient and do whatever he asks of me even if it means sacrificing on my part.

--> This post is to remind myself that I had a REVELATION (hahahaha) and I promised to .....
just in case dad get's me all worked up again and obeying him seems so so so far beyond possible, which is probably next week or so ;p
And if all else fails, there's always the trusty ol' 5th commandment ;)