.mono[b]logue.

Scattered

is how I've been feeling for the past month. I may look calm and collected on the outside but please do not let my seemingly stress-free life deceive you. If you take a closer look, just beneath the surface, you will see that my life is somewhat messy. Even my thoughts are 'all over the place'. I cannot help but space out in the middle of a conversation. I find myself paying extra attention when conversing with another person. I'd just end up speaking about something completely different if I don't. It's like I'm there but not quite there at the same time. It can get a little tiring at times, you know? And sometimes I just want to sit down and shut up. That's usually when the introverted/phlegmatic me appears, which some people aren't familiar with.

Why, you wonder?

Sigh.. if it isn't obvious to you already, the most important element m.i.s.s.i.n.g in my life right now is God. Admittedly, my walk with Him has been rather...

What walk!?!?

Yea man.. what walk? More like no walk =(
It wasn't so bad when I got back from Newcastle but ever since Singapore, my spiritual life has been chugging on Empty.

The point of the matter is, I have trouble speaking to my C+ friends here about God. Back in Newc, we speak about Him in our everyday conversation. God wasn't just confined to church or fellowship, He was part and parcel of our everyday lives, the centre of our being, of my being and I would speak freely about Him.

Take for example Chris, we were hanging out in Calvin's room one fine day catching up on life when he naturally asked me about Apostle John.

"Do you know why he is called the disciple whom Jesus loved? Jesus didn't love him more than the other disciples but because John focused on the love that God had for him instead of how much he loved God. That is why he is the disciple whom Jesus loved."

"Coooool.." I mused.

And when we start, we don't stop =)

I then continued, "Eh, you know what I learnt today? You know God's created order, right? (Genesis 1)

God
Man
Woman
Creature

And after the fall of man, the order was reversed? (Genesis 3)

Creature (serpent)
Woman
Man
God

You know, I became rather upset la because the stupid woman just spoilt the whole thing. Like, why are we so vulnerable one? So easily manipulated by the devil's scheme and then we become so manipulative also. So, I asked God la, like why woman so stupid and weak one? Like, thanx to us la everything rosak. Heheh.. and then God told me loh. He said that man would've been just as vulnerable. That man too would've fallen for the serpent's deceiving ways. But it chose to deceive the woman instead because this would reverse God's created order entirely. If it was the man that the serpent manipulated then it wouldn't have 'messed up' the created order. It would be

Creature
Man
Woman
God

Meaning woman would still be under man's headship. But now it is completely altered, as in

Creature
Woman
Man
God

After God made me see this, I didn't feel so terrible about my kind already =D And even though God's order is screwed up in this world, we as Christians can still right the wrong by living the way God intended us to live."

So, this is one of my everyday conversations with the Newc folks and I miss them. Sigh..
*In retrospect, not only the people from Newc but my UK friends in general.

Iron sharpens iron, right? And mine needs a lot of sharpening. This is where I get my feeding from; sharing each other's journey. This is how I grow in spiritual maturity. But ever since I got back, I've started to falter and it later (when I was in SG) dawned on me that my mistake was relying solely on 'sharing each other's journey' to keep my spiritual life afloat. It's definitely not wrong, it is encouraged even but there is something seriously wrong if my spiritual growth is based solely on this. I mean, what happened to the main character, wei?

My food must come from God. He is my source. I must spend time with Him. If I don't then how am I to share my journey with others? I wouldn't have a 'lesson of the day' to speak about. Herein lies the problem of my heart. I learned, while away in SG, that my wanting to spend time with God cannot and must not stem from the desire to want to have a 'story to tell'.

Cannot. Share. To. Impress.

This is spiritual pride wei. I don't usually struggle with it. It only crops up once in a while and when I'm aware of it, I pray for God to rid it like the unsightly pimple on my face. (I don't actually pray for God to get rid of the pimple growing on my face. It's just an analogy cacing used.) In the beginning of this year, unbeknownst to many, I was struggling with spiritual pride. Even though I was acutely aware of it, hardly anyone could sense it because it is usually a battle from within. It actually got so bad that I stopped sharing and leading altogether. I'm glad it is over and done with though. I would love to tell you how I overcame it but that'd take up another hour of my time typing =D

I've started refuelling. I asked for Him to be gracious and merciful, to forgive me for thinking that I have something to be proud of when in truth I have nothing without Him. My devotional today is entitled Defining Moments, which is based on the passage taken from Deuteronomy 30:11-20.

I'll sum it up in two words, C H O O S E L I F E

As I reflect on some defining moments in my life, there is one particular one that pops into mind:
Learning to let go of the past and embracing the uncertainties of the future.

I had a difficult time letting go of the past but I'm glad I did so. At this juncture, I cannot profess to know what my future has in store for me but I've learned to embrace the uncertainties of life because I know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him.

There is still one thing missing though. That peace; the peace that flows only from Him, the peace which surpasses all human understanding. I do not have it.