++ just as i am ++

is actually the title of my other (read:private) blog.

I used to get rather worked up over the opinions people form of me when they read my blog. This didn't happen all the time but I had my moments. In the beginning, I was reluctant to post too many Christian entries for fear of what my non-Christian friends would think/say. Then, I started hesitating whenever I wanted to write something not so 'Christian-y' for fear of what my Christian friends would think/say.

Sighh...

Sitting here in the study, at home, dad downstairs napping, just after a game of golf and mum, in her room, primping herself for her friend's Deepavali do, it's as if I've had an epiphany: it really doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because I write for myself and not for anyone else. I know, like dUH!, right? And.. it's not as if I have an orchestra for an audience. But forgive me, I'm insecure like that.

You know what the saddest thing is though? I actually care more about what my Christian friends think of me. And that says a lot, really. I am not generalising here but in my honest and humble opinion, I believe that Christians are one of the most judgemental people I know (because I catch myself doing it at times). My non-Christian friends respect my faith and it's fine with them what I write on my blog (I assume) as long as I don't try to shove 'religion' down their throats. But I have to admit, I do withhold certain thoughts for fear of offending them.

I'm sorry if I've offended anyone (the irony). This isn't exactly where I wanted my entry to go. The thing is, I just want people to know me; the me minus any façades or pretences although I highly doubt that I portray myself as such a person on this blog.

See, I am a Christian and am mighty blessed to have been spotted by God. It is absolutely incredible to be able to experience His overwhelming grace and unfailing love for me, daily. However, I am also an ordinary person. I have my flaws. A lot of it, if I might add. I want to be an obedient child of God, which isn't always the easiest thing to be. But nothing has come out wrong by obeying Him because we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

What I'm really trying to say is (because I've gone so off tangent I don't know how to bring it back on track) this:

I'll post 'angry' entries when something really ticks me off and if I happened to swear while going at it, please forgive me. I'll try my level best to express my 'fury' in a more civilised manner but sometimes one 'bad word' does the trick.

I'll post 'brainless' entries and will write about beauty and fashion because the axiomatic fact is, I am a female and these things interest me. God made me who I am and this is who I am going to be. I have in the past and up until now refrained from talking about such things on my blog for reasons even I can't quite comprehend (actually I know why but let's not make me repeat myself).

For example, I've wanted to tell people how much I cannot tahan that UK picks up fashion trends waaaaayyy, waaayyy slower than any other countries I've had the privilege of visiting. Take for example the skinny jeans. Like hello, it was the essential piece of clothing when I visited Melbourne in 2003! And the whole tuck-jeans-in-boots thing only caught up a year later. Dudes...??

But I hardly have friends who are into fashion like that. At least not my friends from Newcastle. Then again, I have like what, 10 friends in total? Absolute anti-social. Very bad. Plus they sound so shallow (not my friends you ning nong), don't they? No!! Because what sounds shallow to you may not sound shallow to the next person, correct?

Ohhh.. since I'm doing a bare-it-all session, I might as well dive in.

I am absolutely insecure about my body and this is something I'm extremely ashamed of. Not one Christian person dealing with this would admit to it (we don't go around asking either!) unless you're a confidant. I've been so conscious of my body weight ever since I was 14 years old and let me tell you, it sucks big time. I hate dealing with it. This is the battle I have to face everyday: "I am a child of God. My confidence comes from the Lord and not my self-image. I am fearfully and wonderfully made."

"Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

- 1 Peter 3:4

(emphasis mine)

I've had my ups and downs. And when it's a downer, it is really bad. And I mean bad. I never knew that I'd shut the whole world out, literally. I've even lost good friends because I did not know how to handle this 'bloodyfreakingirritating' issue of mine, which is a real shame. But I thank God for His providence. I am very blessed to have a few friends (two of whom are sisters-in-Christ) in whom I can speak honestly to, friends who totally understand and can empathise with what I've been through, am going through and will go through and not judge, sisters to pray with me and for me, and am held accountable for.

However, for the past few months, I'm glad to say that I've been more opened about it. I don't want it to be my 'BIG hush-hush' any longer. I actually shared this with a couple of people from my fellowship during CF one Friday night when we broke into smaller groups. I want to be transparent; to go beneath the surface and not just share for the sake of sharing. To be authentic. To let them know that this is me, the real Cheryl.

Wow. I certainly didn't expect that to come out all at once. And now, I've totally lost my train of thought. It happens. I'm a wanderer, you see =)

I think I'll stop here and then pick up from where I left off another time.

Why do I doubt that (because I won't be able to remember. Gosh! Do I have to state everything to the letter now??)?

LOL! I'm JOKING!!

No, not really. I just wanted to clarify in case some of you misinterpret me.

Gah! This post hasn't change a thing, has it?!?!

*You know, I am guilty of whatever accusations I made above. For me to think that people think like this shows that I think that way too. Don't you think? Sigh... I'm truly sorry, really. I shouldn't judge lest I be judged. EEkk!

Fact #1:
My favourite colour is green and I try my best to steer clear of blue (<-- eee, don't like) at all times.