.mono[b]logue.

lost in transition

Questions, more questions as I turn the pages of the book. Questions, which sadly, I no not the answers to. Oh how I've strayed from Him.
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Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

- Psalm 37:4 (NIV)

I have always misinterpreted this Psalm. I assumed that He would grant me the desires of MY heart if I were to delight in Him. How foolish of me!

If we're constantly walking close with God and are one with Him in spirit and mind, the desires of His heart would naturally become the desires of our hearts. Don't you see? It is because we are in tune with Him; our hearts beating as one, our lives singing the same song. His will becomes our will. Likewise, His desires, ours.

But.. the desires of my heart are totally different now, Lord. I want different things now. Sighh.. how I've slipped silently away from the Lord.

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Am I still that ordinary girl who wants to be extraordinary for God?
I don't know...

Am I willing to pay the necessary price to walk with Him?
I don't know...

Am I prepared for Him to make the necessary adjustments in my life in order for me to be used as His powerful instrument?
I don't know...

I want to do so much but herein lies the problem: It is not about my abilities nor is it about my capabilities. It is all about my availability. I want to do so much but am not willing to... I don't desire the same things as the Lord anymore.

Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over.

- John 12:24 (MSG)

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Waiting

Someone once told me that this is the most important period of one's spiritual walk; what you do when you have no ministry. What you do when you're asleep or when you're alone.

I will wait for You, O You his Strength;
For God is my defense.

-Psalm 59:9 (NKJV)

To You, O my Strength, I will sing (declare) praises;
For God is my defense,
My God of mercy.

- Psalm 59:17 (NKJV)

(emphasis mine)

Q: So, what do you do?
A: You remain faithful.

All this 'waiting' and 'unproductiveness' has made me wander from God.

Excerpts from the book Called to be God's Leader by Blackaby & Blackaby.

Churchill (Winston) spent most of his life waiting in the wings of history for his moment to enter the world stage. He spent agonizing years in a political wilderness while others mismanaged his nation.

Likewise, Joshua spent the greater part of his adulthood waiting.

Historically, God has repeatedly chosen young people and fashioned them into great leaders. The key for each of them, as it would be for Joshua, was their willingness to be patient and obedient as God prepared them for His purposes. At times emerging leaders limit their future possibilities by their impatience. They look for shortcuts to success, but God is methodical. He typically lays a foundation of character before building a superstructure of leadership.

Transitional periods can be difficult, especially for the young.

We cannot underestimate the profound impact wandering forty years in the wilderness would have on Joshua. He had been ready and willing to enter the promised land immediately. But, because of someone else's sin, Joshua would have to delay God's will for his own life by forty years. This could have been an unproductive and wasted time, but Joshua chose to spend it walking with God, and time spent with God is never wasted.

(emphasis mine)

It is most definitely not my desire to lead a nation. Far from it! All I want is to desire the things that were once dear to me.

"...people leave God on their terms, but they must return on God's terms."

*I apologise if this entry seem so scattered. Reckon it's because I'm in this state too.