.mono[b]logue.

melancholic thursday

chinese new year

yesterday wasn't very okay to begin with. didn't say much. back after three years and not a hint of excitement. dreading the days leading up to the lunar new year. mostly in a deep and pensive state.

reunion dinner's not the same. family shrinking rapidly. ah ma passed away a little over a year ago. loved her very much. was still in uk. no one informed me. first uncle just recovered from surgery. colon cancer. second uncle not so good. mouth cancer. "six months, if lucky", doctors predict. diagnosed in november. first two cousins(bro & sis) not in talking terms. cousin sister can't stand the sight of cousin brother's wife. third cousin just upped and left to macau with wife and baby in tow. wife a little mental.

grandparents
eight uncles and aunties(seventeen including spouses)
fifteen cousins

grandparents
an uncle and an aunt
have passed on.

two aunties
four cousins
elsewhere
only know the whereabouts of third and sixth cousin.

then us
all 'here' at home but not really here.

the glue that once held us together is no longer present. it breaks my heart. must learn to let go of the old and embrace the new; new family members, new lives. the old i will treasure. have to believe all will be okay. dysfunctional but i love us still.

GOD

beginning to find my footing. the Solid Rock with me. not in uk.
james 4 says,"draw near to him and he will draw near to you."
i didn't. he reached out first. too self-absorbed. humbled by his love. still lots to wrestle with. experiencing little breakthroughs. God's grace abounds.

friends(more than) disappoint

hung out with girlfriends at night. didn't want to be alone lest my mind lead me to somber waters. "too quiet", they said. told them i was feeling a little nostalgic but otherwise am fine.

she asked about *the boy out loud. caught me off guard. spoke to her in confidence. told her that she's the only one who knows. she was honoured and promised to keep it to herself. damn sure she didn't forget that this was just between us! clearly distressed, i confronted her later. she laughed it off.
the nerve!

me: eh, why did you ask in front of them?
her: nothing one wat.
me: it wasn't very nice and you did it on purpose!
her: (laughs) oh, i just wanted to see whether you'll tell or not la.

OH. MY. GOD.
Are you for real!??! What the friggin' hell is wrong with you!?!? I told you that you were the ONLY one I could speak to. And I bloody thanked you for listening and understanding. What is the matter with you?!?!? Do you not know what 'you're the only one' means?!?!? Did you think I was stupid enough to believe that, "ooops, she didn't mean to spill" when you not only asked me once, nor twice but pressed even further the third time?!?!?!?! What's worse, you clearly registered the shock on my face and you smirked! I don't know why you keep doing such things to me. Do you find pleasure in tormenting me? Friends don't treat each other like that! And we're(supposedly) close friends! OMG! You're insane!! God only knows why I put up with your horrid behaviour, allow you to step all over me and still regard you as a friend. Come to think of it, I'm the insane one!

struck by her callous remark. no sorry. nothing. masked her guilt with laughter. she changed the subject. turned around and walked away. stared at her in disbelief. didn't know what to say or do. just left it at that.

fool me once. shame on you.
fool me twice. i is stupid.

fond memories of uk.
free. joyful. loved. friend means friend. no ulterior motives.
never oppressed. never disheartened.
didn't have to be on my toes ~~all the time~~ at all.
YOU WEREN'T THERE.

the boy

from ipoh. opines that, "i damn drama". i do overreact sometimes. labelled a 'drama queen'. he's just not used to kl drama-mamas.
city girls. a lot more to deal with.

faith. still an issue. sigh.

*he said i shouldn't be so gullible. told him that even though she pushes me around she has not betrayed my trust. i can tell her stuff. this is the first time.
what i don't get is, why? what were her intentions?
he asked me to find someone else whom i trust and can confide in.
SHE'S NOT HERE!!
*preciousCacing freezing her butt off in newc.
=(

brother

leaving next thursday. will miss him. sigh.