.mono[b]logue.

melancholic thursday

chinese new year

yesterday wasn't very okay to begin with. didn't say much. back after three years and not a hint of excitement. dreading the days leading up to the lunar new year. mostly in a deep and pensive state.

reunion dinner's not the same. family shrinking rapidly. ah ma passed away a little over a year ago. loved her very much. was still in uk. no one informed me. first uncle just recovered from surgery. colon cancer. second uncle not so good. mouth cancer. "six months, if lucky", doctors predict. diagnosed in november. first two cousins(bro & sis) not in talking terms. cousin sister can't stand the sight of cousin brother's wife. third cousin just upped and left to macau with wife and baby in tow. wife a little mental.

grandparents
eight uncles and aunties(seventeen including spouses)
fifteen cousins

grandparents
an uncle and an aunt
have passed on.

two aunties
four cousins
elsewhere
only know the whereabouts of third and sixth cousin.

then us
all 'here' at home but not really here.

the glue that once held us together is no longer present. it breaks my heart. must learn to let go of the old and embrace the new; new family members, new lives. the old i will treasure. have to believe all will be okay. dysfunctional but i love us still.

GOD

beginning to find my footing. the Solid Rock with me. not in uk.
james 4 says,"draw near to him and he will draw near to you."
i didn't. he reached out first. too self-absorbed. humbled by his love. still lots to wrestle with. experiencing little breakthroughs. God's grace abounds.

friends(more than) disappoint

me: eh, why did you ask in front of them?
her: nothing one wat.
me: it wasn't very nice and you did it on purpose!
her: (laughs) oh, i just wanted to see whether you'll tell or not la.

the boy

from ipoh. opines that, "i damn drama". i do overreact sometimes. labelled a 'drama queen'. he's just not used to kl drama-mamas.
city girls. a lot more to deal with.

faith. still an issue. sigh.

brother

leaving next thursday. will miss him. sigh.