.mono[b]logue.

Gracious One

I've been thinking a lot about God lately, which is a good thing because it's easy not to, after I decided to leave.

These days, every thing and every one I meet brings me back to the place I once belonged.
I am seeing the world through the old me- no doubt the prompting of the Holy Spirit.

Just the other day, I was so sick of listening to the songs repeating itself on radio that I switched to the CD in my player.

I felt something stir within me when the music started. Listening to the band worship God invoked the Holy Spirit. I could sense its awakening... in me!?!??!

You mean the Holy Spirit still resides in me??? Yes, it still does.
Clearly, I do not deserve such love. But God being God, the all-gracious One, did not turn His back on me, as I did Him.

I am someone who thrives on experiences, whether good or bad, for I believe that is the only way I will truly learn. I'm the sort who'll touch that 'hypnotic blue flame' even though told not to because it would burn. I do not subscribe to the maxim, 'Learn from the mistake of others.'
How? When you don't even know what the other person's thought process was?

I need to experience things for myself so as to learn and remember the feelings/emotions associated to that particular incident/action. (Purely me. To each his own.)

I was not always like this though.

When I went through my first break-up (devastating), I was angry and asked God why he had to create these emotions. They were heart-wrenching, gut-twisting painful and was manifesting itself physically. It was really hurting me.

After my healing journey with God, I came to realise that what I had gone through taught me tremendous life lessons. The most important then, was empathy. I could relate deeply (stuff only you would know and understand having gone through it yourself) to another person and help them out of their pit.

There came many more lessons God brought along my way. I embraced it, shit and all, because I was encountering Him in a totally different level. I would constantly reflect on my experiences- feelings I had, how I was responding to it, what I understood and didn't. Then, randomly speak to God and ask about Him being human, that surely He too has felt all these. Asked how He dealt with it and to teach me because I didn't know how to handle it... So on and so forth.

This period (in the UK) was the peak of my spiritual growth. I still cannot fathom the heights God had brought me to; the journey with Him and His people. I reckon it was because I only had God to depend on in the foreign land instead of the 'safety net' called church. It was just me and Him- raw faith.

And now, here I am, many moons later, a destitute spirit, holding on to the past, understanding it only with my head, not my heart. Such is my spiritual state. I told myself and others that I was leaving the 'institution', not God, believing that I could survive, me and Him, just like before. Naive of me because leaving also meant that I left the fellowship of God's people.

If there's one thing I've retained, it would be the ability to perceive my emotions. I've learnt to do this really well and reflecting. I like reflecting although sometimes it gets me into a rather melancholic state.

So, based on my recent observations, these are the consequences of my 'leaving', in progression:

1) I cannot speak in tongues anymore.
I know it in my head and it's there in my heart, somewhere, but when I try, my voice and the 'words' refuse to go beyond my throat. I told Jean and she said that it is still there but laying dormant. (This came as a shock to me. I assumed I would always have it in me and be able to pray it, as and when.)

2) I cannot pray aloud anymore.
Same thing; voice does not project, words do not come out.
A few months ago, Priss requested for prayers after her niece was born- some complications at birth. I meant to sit with her and pray aloud but the words just didn't want to come out. I settled for praying in silence.

3) It is difficult for me to worship God aloud.
My most recent incident, which I discovered when I wanted to worship along to the songs playing. At most, only garner a whisper =(

It is frightening to note that these 'abilities', which I took for granted, can slowly dissipate, as a result of my actions.

Holy Spirit = me communicating directly with God
My body = Temple of the Holy Spirit
Defile said body = Holy Spirit says, "Bye"

Having deduced the above, I must however say that my faith in God did not falter. And I'm thinking, maybe that's the reason why He didn't really *'leave me' leave me. The Holy Spirit is still in there, somewhere. I just need to nurture it in the environment it is familiar with.

Maybe it's time to go home...

*Unlike how God turned His back on Israel and His Spirit, manifested as a hovering cloud (if I remember correctly), left them in the wilderness to fend for themselves. It's awful not to have God watch over you.

I have something else that is bugging me. Will write it some other time coz it's gonna be another long one.